Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
