Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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