there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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