The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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