yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
