so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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