I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
