There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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