I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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