My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
