Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
