I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
