he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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