Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just pee around me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
