At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
