It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
