My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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