you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
