I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
