took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
