There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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