Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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