You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
