areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
