I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found puke in my bra..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
BRING THE BAGELS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
