What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
