did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
