When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
