I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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