he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
