Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
