We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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