it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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