I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
