So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
