I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
