Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
