I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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