There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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