I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you had me at cake vodka
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
