Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
