Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
