i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
