I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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