My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
