Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
