she was so not down for the gang bang
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
