I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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