Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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