Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
